The Utah Grizzlies’ Last Dance: Bring in J-Swish

For the Utah Grizzlies, this is it. The last dance. Gone-zo. See ya. Adios. Hasta luego.

In late June, the team dropped a press release: they’re being sold, and word on the street is they’re headed for Trenton, New Jersey. I bet Chris Christie already put down a deposit for season tickets — provided, of course, they can find a seat big enough. (Kidding, Governor. Please don’t “duck” me like you did Trump in that one debate.)

West Valley City — which, let’s be honest, feels like Monte Carlo compared to Trenton — has signed off on the deal. The 2025-26 season will be the Grizzlies’ last in Utah.

It’s a shame. Thirty years of ups and downs, wins and losses, folding and relaunching. Many NHLers passed through here on their way to the big show. Now, some of the most loyal hockey fans in the state have to watch them go.

So, fine. If this is the end, let’s make it one hell of a goodbye.

I’m talking full-blown, minor league sports debauchery. Think giant meteor headed for Earth: pants off, lampshade on, chaos in the streets. No idea is too stupid. Paint the ice a different color every game. Fill the opposing bench’s water bottles with Diet Coke and Mentos. Make every night Thirsty Thursday — $2 tall boys of Spiked Arnold Palmers.

And on the ice? Bring in the big guns.

Sign Jordan Schmaltz, a.k.a. “J-Swish.”

Yes, he’s the brother of Utah Mammoth forward Nick Schmaltz — instant local hook. But more importantly, he’s a one-man content wrecking crew (plus his partner-in-chaos, Rob Gucci). Since retiring from pro hockey — after a “cup of coffee” in the NHL as a first-round pick of the Blues in 2012 — he’s built a reputation for some of the most out-of-pocket content the hockey internet has ever seen. See “Home By 3,” formerly “Hockey Night in Scottsdale” and you’ll see what I mean.

Example: recently, Schmaltz was booted from a WNBA game over “conspiracy to throw a dildo on the court.” (He rather gracefully denied it, even offering to undergo a full cavity search to clear his name.)

But here’s the kicker — J-Swish has said, seriously, on The Sheet with Jeff Marek, that he wants to make a one-year comeback in the ECHL.

And don’t let the hijinks fool you, The People’s Insider can play. Schmaltz was a two-time NCHC Second All-Star Team defenseman at the University of North Dakota, led all UND defensemen in assists in 2014-15, and was a finalist for Best Offensive Defenseman in the conference. He’s a gold medalist with Team USA at both the World U-17 Hockey Challenge and World Junior A Challenge, and he’s logged 42 NHL games plus an AHL All-Star nod in 2018.

So, to whoever runs the Grizzlies now: do the right thing. Turn the Maverik Center into Animal House for one last season.

There’s no one better than J-Swish to get this toga party started.