Please Disrespect Clayton Keller
Kells is better with a chip on his shoulder. The numbers show it.
Torch time. That’s what I call it.
Can I get that trademarked? By the way, it’s easier than you’d think to get a trademark. I filed the ™ for Big Tusk Energy (eat shit, John Oliver) in the same amount of time it would take me to roll out of bed in the morning—about two hours. If Ryan Smith needs any more help filing such things and doesn’t care to pay for an attorney, he should give me a call. I’m much, much cheaper than some snobby, stuffy dude who cheated his way through law school. I have a Communications degree, which I got from a public school with a whopping 2.8 GPA.
But enough about me and my lofty accomplishments—it’s Torch Time, like I said. What is Torch Time, you ask? Well, you inquisitive little hockey lover, it’s the season in which we as a planet collectively lay down our weapons of war (fat chance, right?) and instead do battle in the noble field of sport. The Olympics are coming. A gathering of nations to take part in the world’s biggest dog & pony show, the Opening Ceremony, and eventually drop the puck on best-on-best international hockey. Last year’s 4 Nations Face-Off was just the appetizer. Milano 2026 is the entrée.
I’m excited. You can tell we’re getting closer. Canada already announced its preliminary roster—no players from the Utah Mammoth, sadly. I’d imagine USA will unveil its preliminary list soon too, shaped by none other than Minnesota Wild GM Bill Guerin.
And I’m begging you, Mr. Guerin: please disrespect Clayton Keller again. Please.
Make it just a momentary thing. I eventually want to see Kells suiting up for the Red, White and Blue in Italy. He did, after all, lead the Stars and Stripes to a gold at the World Championships. By the way, did you see the smile on his face after that game? I thought he was in a goddamn toothpaste commercial the way he was grinning from ear to ear. Kells deserves to play for Olympic gold.
But let him think you think he sucks, BG. Please. It’s what us Utah fans want. Truly.
Kells is better with a chip on his shoulder. The numbers show it.
Before Bill Guerin and USA Hockey left him off the 4 Nations roster on Dec. 4, Clayton Keller was having a solid start to the year. Twenty-four games in, he had 22 points—steady, respectable, not necessarily “poster boy of American hockey” material, but enough to make you raise an eyebrow and go, “Huh, maybe?”
Then the snub came. And what did our boy do?
He torched the league.
From Dec. 5 on, Keller went John Wick mode. In the final 57 games of the regular season, he racked up 68 points—good for 1.19 points per game. He finished the season with 90 points (30 goals, 60 assists) in 81 games. A career high in points and assists. That’s not just impressive, that’s “you-messed-up-not-inviting-me” impressive.
Just to sprinkle some extra seasoning on the revenge steak, he cooked the Minnesota Wild like they were Costco hotdogs. Four games. Nine points. That’s 2.25 points per game against the team whose GM left him off Team USA. Thank you very much, Mr. Guerin.
Look, we don’t need Keller to be bitter forever. It’s not good for your mental and physical well-being. I should know. I’m still bitter about how bad The Hangover Part II was compared to the original.
But in Keller’s case, we just need it to last a little longer. Let him simmer. Let the rage build, at least to start the 2025-26 NHL season. Then when the final Olympic rosters are due and the U.S. needs a scoring punch and proven leadership, give him a plane ticket to Italy. Try the spaghetti, Kells, I hear it’s to die for.
Let him burn for a little while. Let him torch.
It’s Torch Time™, after all.